DVD Player to Receive Viking Funeral

I’d like to give a hearty and hale farewell to my Durabrand DVD Player (Model: DVD-1002). This seemingly chintzy DVD player, bought at Family Dollar for $29.99, before taxes and manufactured in June of 2006, has stood strong in the face of rough abuse doled out by my 5 year old for the last year or so. The last 8 months receiving the bulk of The Destroyer’s most rigorous of challenges. The Destroyer doesn’t press a button but stabs at it violently. The Destroyer simply opens the cover when ready for some new trifle of a movie to desecrate, rather than the time honored tradition of stopping the video and waiting for the disk to come to a complete stop. Moreover, The Destroyer finds it suitable to touch the laser eye with greasy fingers and with these same fingers, smearing whatever greasy substance there onto precious DVDs that, when mashed into position with colossal force, rotate at a very high RPM: spinning the less than tenacious gunk onto bits and pieces of stuff that looks really important and delicate inside the DVD player. Despite this intense and concerted abuse, the Durabrand DVD Player (Model: DVD-1002), stood strong and, nay, even spit back in the face of The Destroyer, time and time again.
All good and valiant DVD players must come to an end though. It is written thus. I wandered the house looking for the foul burnt smell. There it was: dark smoke poured from the DVD player’s vent. It was on pause and had been so for several hours. Earlier, The Destroyer had insisted on pausing, rather than stopping the DVD player, while we went on a mission. After the mission, the DVD player was forgotten.
Hours later we tried 3 different discs but the player wasn’t cooperating, though it showed signs of life. It was turned off and allowed to rest awhile. After this, the player worked another night, once again spitting in the face of The Destroyer! But, alas, it was a final and fleeting blow…fore it would never again read another disc.
Well, we’re going to give the Durabrand DVD Player (Model: DVD-1002) a Vikings Funeral. As much as I’d like to thoss this DVD player in the trash and be done with it, I can’t help but wonder how much fun it would be to shoot it with BBs.